Friday, July 29, 2011

Starting Out...

Well it seems I've always had an interest in blogging...I had another blog but, similar to my mother, I can't get into the I started a new one. I don't expect anyone to read this because I'm not important nor do I have anything important to say...I just enjoy writing and rambling on about whatever seems to be in my head on a particular day. So here's to a new start with many rants and blogs to follow!


When you have a day off, you seem to always have time to think. I've been thinking a lot today, which is pretty remarkable. I'm not even exactly sure what I'm thinking about or if there is a reason. I'm a content 22 year old female who cleaned up her house today and managed to get a pretty big list accomplished today. But one thing that has always taken over my thoughts is God's plan for me. Like, is this what I'm supposed to be doing? Have I made the right decisions that have led me to this very place, this very time with these various situations I am in? I guess everyone probably thinks that at one point or another, but I seem to think about it almost everyday. And unfortunately, it isn't in the way I's more of an anxiety matter versus a seeking out of what God wants me to be doing with my life. We all have choices and decisions that lead us to where we are.....I just seem to have a difficult time when it comes to making the final decision. But my personality doesn't tend to regret whatever decision I do make. This being said, I am happy.

I know I'm not the smartest girl alive....nor the best friend to all my friends....nor the best sister or daughter...and definitely not the best girlfriend, for I've let many friends, family and my boyfriends down time and time again. But I keep on trying....they say trying is all you can do, but is it? I think there can be more. There can be more patience, more understanding, more listening, more compassion, more phone calls, more ways to show how much you appreciate a person. I guess I just have trouble grasping all of that. I wish I could be better, and I tell myself I will be, but I tend to fail a lot. You would think now that I have my life in order, from finishing school, finding a full-time job, moving in and being settled I would have the time and ability to become something more, but as time goes by, relationships just seem harder. I'm really not trying to be emo, it's just how I feel most of the time.

So, I'm going to try. Everyday is a new day....and maybe things are the way they are and no matter what you do, you feel like you've failed someone. You can't get through life without failing someone. So perhaps I should just accept it while trying.

Another rainy evening....if the rain holds up, I'm going to try to get a walk in...walks are where I do my best soul searching....

Do I dare believe and let Love lead my life?
Could I not believe and leave that Love behind?